Tuesday, October 9, 2007

Ready to cry, trying not to break down

I'm sitting here in the graduate computer lab, I just snuck out of class.... I have no idea what's going on, but its only Tuesday and this week isn't working out for me.
We were working on something in class, but my files from last week disappeared but as I was trying to figure out something for next class, I didn't hear when he asked who didn't have the files. I have a group presentation in 2 hours and I can't make my section work because of this ridiculous program called Dialog that I will never use as no where that I will ever work will be able to afford it.
I'm sick of theory and to be honest, I don't think I even want to be a librarian. I'm tired, I'm bored and I'm completely unmotivated... and that's what scares me the most -- even when I don't care about work I'm always motivated about something... but I'm sick and tired of all of it. Sick of getting chatty when I'm nervous or being told I have more energy than (fill in the blank)... its a defense mechanism people.... I miss YCP - miss always having someone to go to for a hug or to knock sense into me, but to knowing that people love me, and having people I care about... I have so many opportunities here at Rutgers but I feel so lost.
I want to help people but I'm sick of getting knocked down, I'm tired of fighting and struggling but I don't see any other choice. I don't know where I'm supposed to be -- I'm sick of always being second string... I don't always need credit, but its nice to be acknowledged. I'm sick of people, tired of responsibilities, yet without them, what's the point? I can't see myself as a librarian, I can't stand this program - down the line, I want to be a priest, but what is my family telling me, what is God telling me, does God even want me there? I thought I had found a place where everyone was accepted in TEC, but now I'm not sure if I or others I love are welcome there... if people don't want to go to Lambeth, fine, don't go. The Anglican Communion is great, but so are God's children. So many of my friends are so passionate about so much, they know what they want to do, all I can tell you is that I want to somehow serve God and humanity and I can't even figure out how to do that.
But most of all, right now, I want to find a quiet corner, curl up in a ball, and cry.


Eileen said...


I'm sorry this is such a shitty day for you.

Here's a tissue, and a cup of tea (with brandy, if you like) and some nice home baked scones.

It's easy to feel adrift when completing a grad program. And Rutgers is a big place - I know. I've been there. (I'm in NJ, a bit south of RU)

Speak to the instructors you need to speak to - Communicate your problems with them and don't let things go.

Maybe God has you right where he wants you for right now. Try to take a deep breath - I know it's hard when it feels like the world is tumbling down on you.

If you need to, feel free to email me at episcopalifem at gmail dot com. (I work as a college advisor, and I've been through graduate training. I even know a tiny bit about lbrary science as it's a career I also considered.)


Caminante said...

Hang in there -- grad life can be the pits sometimes. (I did a PhD at Princeton down the road.) It is designed to make you feel like crap. Of course it doesn't help when the Anglican Communion is also kicking in. Do something nice for yourself and remember that no one can take away from you the fact that you are God's beloved.

Allie said...

My sincere thanks to both of you. It has been a rough transition, and I've taken your advice and am meeting with a professor tomorrow.

I'm working on the deep breaths, and am a bit embarrassed as I haven't had that sort of freak-out in years.

I'm doing a bit better, trying to just keep on going.
Thanks for the tea and the reminders.

So it goes, I suppose.