Monday, March 24, 2008

Changes...

I feel like the the next few months will be bringing a lot of changes.

For the first time in my life I'm sick of school - which I guess makes sense since I started pre-school when I was three and haven't taken a break. I'm so bored in my classes and I'm becoming "one of those" students. After I graduate, I don't know what I'll do... I'm seriously considering buying a one way ticket to Heathrow (airport) and working (doing whatever) until I can afford to come back. We'll see.

But really, I don't have much of a direction. Which I guess is okay, but I used to be the one person who had their entire life planned out. Up until a few months ago I had my life planned out quite literally until I retired... which I know is strange for someone 22... especially someone as disorganized as I am. But God made some things uncharacteristically clear, and well, I have no idea.

Two of my mentors will be leaving the area soon - both moving to an island in Virginia. I didn't realise how much I would miss them until Holy Week. Last week I went to church 9 times in 8 days.. but unlike most people who do that, I don't get paid. But I love Holy Week, it reminds me of why I became a Christian... and I love how my parish does Holy Week... I've been to other parishes for it, but none were like GraSP. This summer the rector (who baptized me) is leaving, the associate (who has been second mother to me, in so many ways beyond being a priest) is leaving, and the deacon is taking a leave of absence (baby twins!) - and likely, I'll be leaving, and that scares me too.

I won't be leaving until December, maybe to the UK as I mentioned above, maybe to where ever I can get the best paying job in the US. But I feel so unsettled - so unmotivated, so incapable of doing anything. I knew I was feeling down, but it wasn't until I realised how comfortable I felt on Good Friday and how much I had to strain to be joyful at the resurrection that I realised how far I was. How happy I was that Christ died for my sins because of just how wretched a sinner I am, but how hard it was, is for me to be joyful that he rose from the dead. That I was hiding behind a faith that I'm not sure I like. But I know that I love.

I don't know why I'm telling this to a bunch of strangers, maybe I just don't care what people think of me, maybe I just don't feel like finding a notebook. Maybe after going to counseling services on campus and having them tell me they couldn't fit me in anytime soon, but if I felt I really needed something they could send me off site to a place I would have pay for students to treat, me made me realise that none of us really do matter. I mean, seriously, with what I was going in with.. and then told that basically I'm getting rejected by the therapist... that's well, let's not go there, I'm not getting that open in a blog entry... but we are really lucky that Christ died for our sins because we all have so many of them that we would be beyond screwed.

I've been snapping at everyone lately, and I know I should be grateful for so much - a comfortable life, loving parents, random savings bonds we forgot my grandmother left before she died that will pay for half of my MLIS.... so I off balanced, unsettled and can recognise how irrational I'm acting and sounding. I've just been so tired lately, so exhausted, like no amount of sleep will make me feel awake.

Last Tuesday I preached that with all the suffering in the world it can seem foolish that God can be loving and benevolent. On Friday my rector preached this in response. That where there is suffering, there is Christ on the cross. And while it makes sense, it doesn't make me feel better.

I guess this is one of those blog entries where I come across as an angsty teenager. I'm usually the one who listens to all my friends when they go all mental.. I'm not supposed to be the emo one.

I'm tired of being responsible, I'm tired of working, I'm tired of trying, I'm tired of fighting, I'm just tired, and I want it to go away.

5 comments:

PseudoPiskie said...

First of all, you know we aren't all strangers. There are at least 20 or so of us who have met you in person and care enough to keep you in our prayers.

Second, tee hee. I felt exactly the same way as I neared graduation from college - at age 54. The only advice I have is to be open and watchful. Opportunities often come when least expected. Sometimes we don't see them in our efforts to be in control.

Hugs.

Catherine said...

((((HUGS!))))

Listen carefully after dark--there's a chorus of Spring Peepers out there. Just let them carry you away from all this, at least for a while. (Just find a boggy area--they'll be there for another two or three nights, at least.)

Allie said...

Thanks :sighs:

Four months is just a really long time to not be happy

Eileen said...

Allie -

BE the squeeky wheel...Just because an INSTITUTION isn't being so sensitive to your needs, doesn't mean you aren't important and deserving.

FUCK THAT NOISE. Right now.

Call them every day...until they get the message that you are making it the center's responsibility to do SOMETHING for you. You are holding up your end of the bargain by calling and identifying yourself as someone in need.

I'll call them, if you need me to. I will get Medieval on them. Depression isn't something to mess with. The end. I have worked in counseling, I have a big title and I'll threaten to go to the paper, if I have to.

Also, remember, that if you choose to see a grad student counselor in practicum, that your counselor will be supervised...that is, will be having their case load and responses monitored by an experienced licensed therapist. If your case is too much for them to handle, it will get taken away from them.

This is a transition period for you. I went through some of the same things as I negotiated moving from the student phase of my life, to the working/practical phase of my life, and feeling like I had no concept of how all that would work out. It eventually does - maybe not the way you'd expect, but it does.

And never forget, you can always change your mind. That's your trump card.

You are on the prayer list, immediately.

Allie said...

Eileen,
I got a call Friday from the councelor who told me to go to the student place to ask me "how it went." I'm going to be honest with her when I call her back on Monday and see what she has to say.
Any how, thanks, and thanks to everyone.