I feel like the the next few months will be bringing a lot of changes.
For the first time in my life I'm sick of school - which I guess makes sense since I started pre-school when I was three and haven't taken a break. I'm so bored in my classes and I'm becoming "one of those" students. After I graduate, I don't know what I'll do... I'm seriously considering buying a one way ticket to Heathrow (airport) and working (doing whatever) until I can afford to come back. We'll see.
But really, I don't have much of a direction. Which I guess is okay, but I used to be the one person who had their entire life planned out. Up until a few months ago I had my life planned out quite literally until I retired... which I know is strange for someone 22... especially someone as disorganized as I am. But God made some things uncharacteristically clear, and well, I have no idea.
Two of my mentors will be leaving the area soon - both moving to an island in Virginia. I didn't realise how much I would miss them until Holy Week. Last week I went to church 9 times in 8 days.. but unlike most people who do that, I don't get paid. But I love Holy Week, it reminds me of why I became a Christian... and I love how my parish does Holy Week... I've been to other parishes for it, but none were like GraSP. This summer the rector (who baptized me) is leaving, the associate (who has been second mother to me, in so many ways beyond being a priest) is leaving, and the deacon is taking a leave of absence (baby twins!) - and likely, I'll be leaving, and that scares me too.
I won't be leaving until December, maybe to the UK as I mentioned above, maybe to where ever I can get the best paying job in the US. But I feel so unsettled - so unmotivated, so incapable of doing anything. I knew I was feeling down, but it wasn't until I realised how comfortable I felt on Good Friday and how much I had to strain to be joyful at the resurrection that I realised how far I was. How happy I was that Christ died for my sins because of just how wretched a sinner I am, but how hard it was, is for me to be joyful that he rose from the dead. That I was hiding behind a faith that I'm not sure I like. But I know that I love.
I don't know why I'm telling this to a bunch of strangers, maybe I just don't care what people think of me, maybe I just don't feel like finding a notebook. Maybe after going to counseling services on campus and having them tell me they couldn't fit me in anytime soon, but if I felt I really needed something they could send me off site to a place I would have pay for students to treat, me made me realise that none of us really do matter. I mean, seriously, with what I was going in with.. and then told that basically I'm getting rejected by the therapist... that's well, let's not go there, I'm not getting that open in a blog entry... but we are really lucky that Christ died for our sins because we all have so many of them that we would be beyond screwed.
I've been snapping at everyone lately, and I know I should be grateful for so much - a comfortable life, loving parents, random savings bonds we forgot my grandmother left before she died that will pay for half of my MLIS.... so I off balanced, unsettled and can recognise how irrational I'm acting and sounding. I've just been so tired lately, so exhausted, like no amount of sleep will make me feel awake.
Last Tuesday
I preached that with all the suffering in the world it can seem foolish that God can be loving and benevolent. On Friday my rector preached
this in response. That where there is suffering, there is Christ on the cross. And while it makes sense, it doesn't make me feel better.
I guess this is one of those blog entries where I come across as an angsty teenager. I'm usually the one who listens to all my friends when they go all mental.. I'm not supposed to be the emo one.
I'm tired of being responsible, I'm tired of working, I'm tired of trying, I'm tired of fighting, I'm just tired, and I want it to go away.
Asbury Park Press
