As many of you know, I've been considering a call to priestly ministry since I was about 15. All through high school I was convinced that this was my call, and it wasn't until I got to college that I realised that God was making it abundantly clear that it was not the time.
A lot has happened between then and now. And in part, I now feel that I had stopped listening to God and simply decided that this would happen at a later date.
Last two Sundays ago was "Passion and Purpose" Sunday. I had been feeling a bit numb of late, and started to question, "What am I passionate about?" "Without what, would I not be me?" "What is missing from my life that makes me passionate?" and I kept coming back with the same answer - God. I love praying to God, talking to God, talking to people about God, arguing with God, living God's work, praising God, helping people determine their place with God and where God fits in their lives. I love relationships and God relationship with the world.
All of this has resulted in my asking my rector if she can meet with me tomorrow to discuss some sort of informal discernment or at least spiritual direction.
I'm nervous, she knows that I haven't been the most stable of late, and that my job is ending soon - long before I would be able to start seminary. So staying within commuting distance of the diocese would be necessary, but as I've been looking for jobs, I truly feel it is in God's hands.
I love the term "discernment." It makes it clear that discerning not to do something is not a failure, but is in fact simply one of the options that is okay in the process.